Track 1: The Wrath of Cremonus by Scott Slapin
Track 2: Fanfare for Cremonus by Scott Slapin
The Viola first appeared in/around Cremona, Italy about 500 years ago. This gift to mankind was the creation of the God of the Viola, Cremonus.
“And thou shalt take music from instruments that are not worthy and transcribe it for My holy viola”
-Book of Cremonus (18:5)
Cremonus gave mankind the Viola in northern Italy more than five-hundred years ago as a sign of His love for you. His followers are known as Violacentrics, and they practice their religion through the daily rituals of scales, arpeggios, etudes, and a rich repertoire of concert works. They also steal music from the repertoires of other instruments that are not worthy. For it is written, "Thou shalt steal music from the repertoires of other instruments--- i.e. all of them--- that are not worthy" (Book of Cremonus 18:5) Traditionally one played the violin until one was mature enough to switch to Viola. However, according to most historians and theologians, the bulk of violin players never achieve such a high realm of holiness and remain in sonic purgatory. Will *you* be saved from eternity in sonic purgatory?
Cremonus gives you this promise: "That if thou practiceth scales and arpeggios, Sevcik and Schradieck, Kreutzer and Campagnoli until the end of thy days, thou shalt merit salvation from the wretched wickedness of the E string." We are all sinners. No one of us has perfect intonation all the time. Please pray this prayer: Dear Cremonus, I admit I am a sinner. However because of You and Your holy Viola, I can practice scales and arpeggios, Sevcik and Schradieck, Kreutzer and Campagnoli.
Were it not for the saving grace notes of Cremonus, how many of us would be relegated to the painful, soul-destroying pitches of the E string?
Many famous composers, such as Bach, Beethoven, Dvorak, Haydn, Hindemith, Mendelssohn, Millhaud, Monteverdi, Mozart, Paganini, Schubert, Vaughan-Williams, were Violacentrics. It is likely there were even more, but Violacentrics have suffered much persecution over the centuries. Crypto-Violacentrics likely practiced their Violas privately at home or in private chamber music parties with their other co-religionists in hiding. Even today demeaning Viola 'jokes' are recited openly, out of jealousy and perhaps mental disease.
Violacentrism has holidays just as other religions do. In December one often has a Cremonusmas Tree with many strings of lights and Viola ornaments hanging off of the branches. Others celebrate the Festival of Electric Lights with an electric Cremonus Candelabra with Alto Flames at the top, which are lit on eight consecutive nights commemorating Thomas Edison's revolutionary design allowing Violacentrics everywhere to perform more easily at night with standlights. Worldwide there are many differing traditions, but we all have one thing in common: We keep Cremonus as the reason for the season.